I am going to be very frank in this blog post, about everything going on and what it has effected and what it means for my future. I am constanlty in pain. Why? Because when I was younger, I decided to live my life, being as physical as I could, and carved my extra activities around that too. I craved the endorphin rush from physical activity. I was happiest when I could be extremely physical for at least 2 hours every day. Most days my job filled this need, but on days I didn't work, I had my family, my hiking and other things like this to keep me happy. Now, some days, I can barely walk to the bathroom without pain. I can't do anything I used to do to be happy. I am grumpy and snarly and basically unhappy all the way around. The only good things I have in my life right now, is my family, which is slipping away from me, because I can't do what I used to do, and God. I can't make plans with my friends because odds are I will have to cancel them due to pain or the drugs needed to relieve the pain. I can't even clean my own house. I have to rely on others to do if it's to be done regularly. On a good day I might be able to do the dishes or a load or two of laundry, but one wrong step or if I bend over too far, even that's gone. This effects my family, because not only does the brunt of my normal life fall onto them, but because they don't understand, and feel neglected and rejected because I can't do as I used to. It's hard enough for a grown man to understand his wife turning him down time after time, let alone a child to understand why Mommy can't clean or cook like she wants to, or why she can't shoot baskets or play like she used to and why that makes her grumpy.
I am heading to a wheelchair. It's a fact I cannot deny. What I go through now will only prolong that, it won't avoid it. This is the first time I have said that, because it's such a scary thought to me, that I couldn't bring myself to say or write it. It's a fact, and nothing I say, write or do will change that fact. I can pray all I can, drink all the water I can handle and eat only healthy organic foods free from pesticides, processing agents and fat, and I will still, one day, be in a wheel chair (unless a miracle occurs). I may as well face it, and make everyone else around me face it too, to save us all from further misguidance.
I used to say the thing I fear most is being alone, but it's not. After having everything I love to do ripped from me, I have to say the scariest thing I can think of is to never be able to do these things again. It terrifies me to think of never being able to walk or run or hike; Not being able to work for myself or not being able to dress myself someday even. That is a scary thought. My family doesn't understand, and I cannot blame them for this, because I try not to tell them about it all the time, reminding them I am not the woman I used to be. I don't want them to know, it would scare them too. I am not feeling sorry for myself today, in fact I am doing just the opposite...I am facing reality.
Remember: Talk to God...He loves your voice, and you need His advice....Love someone regardless of what they can do for you.....most of all Go Be Physical Today!! Tomorrow may be too late.
Peace
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