Let Go and Let God

I am an angry woman! I have been through being angry with myself over this disease....what have I done to myself? the most common question I asked. I was warned as a child that having children of my own would be too hard on my body, but I did it anyways.(and I don't regret that decision at all...EVER) I was warmed that being too physical with my body would harm me, but I did it anyways.
Then, I went through being angry with God. How could a loving and faithful Father allow such things to happen to his daughter? Where was my protection? Simply...WHY? And of course along with anger with God came the guilt of thinking I know so much about my own life, that I would know better than God what I need or should have. Gotta love the guilt part. It still makes me chuckle today.
Then I was angry with other people for going through their own lives as though nothing bad has happened in my own. How dare my family be happy when Mom is so miserable. Ahhhh motherhood. It gives women so many silly notions, like moms make life go round. Guess what, it's not true.
Then I was angry with my doctors....okay I still am angry with them some, because I feel butchered, but I am letting it go. Anger is useless, in my case anyways. Anger won't heal me, it won't make me feel better, and it's bad for me. Why have I held onto it for so long? It's one thing, of which I have had a real problem letting go. At first, I thought it was my tenacity that had gotten me this far. I have endured pain that might make most people go insane. I have endured it for years, to the point that it's just part of daily life for me. I have accepted what it's taken from me, and I have accepted life with it. That is NOT right either.
Yesterday, I got really angry......at my pain! It's not right that I accepted it. If my 10 year old self saw me today, she would kick my butt for allowing something so menial as pain rule my life. You deal with pain and you move on. Problem is, simply dealing with it, doesn't change it.
Today, I refuse to accept it-mind over matter. My new motto, pain is not real. Physical pain does not exist unless I allow it.
My head has been completely filled with things that hurt me. Anger is at the top of that list of things. I may have righteous anger, of which the Bible speaks, but even righteous anger isn't healthy for me in the long run. There has be a balance. This morning, in my prayers I let it go. I gave my anger to God to do with it as He sees fit.As great as I can be at doling out punishments for poor behavior, God is better. God can deal with my anger and my pain so much better than I, and it was only a matter of time before I reached the point in my life, where I handed it over to Him. It's funny, really. I used to give it all to God right off, and life was peachy, but I allowed my own pride and self loathing to get into the way of my relationship. I let my own anger get in the way, and I allowed pain to get in the way. I can talk the talk, but I wasn't walking the walk. I was so engrossed in my physical pain, that I stop the healing of my emotional pain. In fact, I blamed my physical pain, for my emotional scars being reopened.
The funny thing about emotional scars, they really aren't scars at all until one is fully healed from the pain causing them. That's what a scar is...a healed ouchie. If it's healed it can never be reopened to hurt, right? It would have to be a new ouchie, not an old one, because the old one healed and left a scar. It takes time to let God heal ALL my ouchies, not just the physical or emotional ones. I am a whole person, physical, spiritual and emotional. When those three things all come to a creaminess, then the whole person becomes real. Until then, we are just shells of ourselves, going through the motions of life without really living.  So today, I am reclaiming my life, my WHOLE life, by letting it go and letting God. That is my challenge for you also...let it go and let God.

Remember...Talk to God...you might not know it right then, but it helps, and God loves your voice. Praying is not just hitting your knees in a quiet place and revealing all to Him. He already sees all of you when your living your life. Prayer is a continuous thing that occurs anywhere.
Most of all....Go by Physical TODAY! Tomorrow will be too late.
Peace