I haven't posted in a long time, because for the past many months my husband has been fighting cancer. His doctor has now called in Hospice and told us it could be any day now. The nurse says any day could be several months, so for the time being we are in limbo, with him too weak to do anything and me not willing to leave his side. I almost feel like ghoul, like I am sitting here waiting for him to die, but the truth is I would give my right leg to have him well again. Without him life is scary, but on the same turn I am starting to feel caged. I literally cannot leave him alone, so this means I have to have someone else here for me to be able to work, tend the chickens or anything, which makes me feel caged. This makes me cranky, and I don't want to be cranky to him, but being human it happens sometimes, like when he won't take his meds. I don't even know why I worry about him taking his meds, and I have stopped worrying about it, except with his pain meds. I do NOT want him to suffer in any way, and keeping his pains meds scheduled and on time helps me keep him pain free, or at least somewhat pain free.
Every time I find a little hope in this, it gets shot down. I'm scared to pray anymore, because the answer so far, has always been, "too bad so sad". He keeps getting weaker and weaker, while I get scarred and broken. I know God is real, because I couldn't be this angry with a fictitious being. But even in anger we're still talking, so I guess that's good. I guess keep us in prayer.
I've taken over the basic operations of the shop. I am now the owner/operator of a hydraulics machine shop. I can't work out there daily, so right now, I am focusing on learning the descent cylinders, and Tyler is building the pumps for me. He also does the repairs for them as well. He's been a Godsend these past few months. Once things settle down I want to expand the shop in all ways, especially expanding the pumps and rams to include complete presses, and to sell more different styles of descent cylinders. I've learned how to run the mill, gotten past my fear of the band saw, and learned that hydraulic fluid will find many places to sneak out.
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| The coop I built |
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Besides learning the shop equipment, I've also learned how to drive our tractor, and to use the lawn tractor. I even bought a new lawn tractor. It's pretty cool, and it even has cruise control. I didn't even know riding lawn tractors had that feature! I built my own chicken coop, and converted an old dog house and dog pen into a second coop and run. The chickens are old enough now that they are paying for their own feed with the eggs I sell, but I doubt they will ever pay for the original coop on their eggs alone. Once we expand the run, I will add more hens to hopefully pay for the coop itself, but if not, they are cute and fluffy and I have a blast with them. I didn't plant a garden this year, so I will focus on cloning my grapes and elderberry bushes. And next season hopefully I can grow a full garden. I want to make my current garden space for grapes, blueberry bushes, elderberry bushes and strawberries. The I want to build raised beds around this space for my veggies, and add an orchard between there and the house. This will cut a LOT of grass out of the picture, and give me a LOT of produce to sell. That's the extended plan anyways.
I'll be back to posting regularly one day soon, I am sure, but until then: Talk to God. It keeps you real. Love someone without expecting anything in return, because one day they may not be able to show you love in return. Be physical daily to keep those joints moving. Most of all, do what makes you happy, before it's too late.
Peace!!
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